Men are isolated and struggling. Old models of support aren’t working.
We’d love for every man to do some deep work in therapy. But that’s unrealistic, and therapy is too expensive to be the universal option. Philosophies and tools for personal growth are everywhere online. But digital content doesn’t supply the embodied human connection we desperately need. Support groups like AA offer community and accountability. But they are, by nature, not for everyone. Religious groups can provide a sense of belonging and meaning. But they often become insular and dogmatic, preoccupied with conformity. Fraternal orders and service organizations provide an interesting alternative. But many suffer from the same issues as religious groups, and most are in desperate need of an update. What if we combined aspects of all of these efforts to create a new model of purposeful community for men?
We’re building a grassroots movement of men who want to live with a greater sense of meaning, connection, and personal agency. It starts with casual weekly meetings led by mental health professionals.
In Pursuit of Thoughtful Masculinity
Advertisers, strategists, and influencers all want to reach men. But when the goal is hooking as many consumers as possible, the efforts tend to aim at the lowest common denominator instead of challenging men to something higher. As a result, we get the same worn-out cultural clichés and shallow symbols of “manliness”, keeping men stuck in a cul-de-sac of meaning.
Masculinity influencers rightly observe men feel lost, stuck, and forgotten. But rather than leading men into self-reflection, they appeal to men’s anger and aggression, revealing they’re still wounded boys themselves. In this framework, society is reduced to competition for dominance and men are encouraged lean into their baser instincts. For men who feel disenfranchised, this faux-empowerment of misogyny and violence can be enticing. But in the end is does not allow men to be whole and has a corrosive effect on society.
A more encouraging development is the growing interest in Stoic philosophies and and the rise of life-hack “experts” who genuinely desire to live an examined life and live it well. The pitfall we’re seeing here is that unless underlying questions of meaning are worked through, these ideas can be treated as utilitarian strategies in the (once again) competition for dominance. This is leading to a distinctly modern type of neurosis where people are driven to optimize every aspect of life. Therapy can be used this way as well, turning men into more efficient sociopaths instead of more integrated, mature, loving individuals.
There’s a lot of noise, especially with societal shifts and political debates that keep everyone reactive. And the truth is, most men are just trying to keep their heads above water. Life is relentless and expectations come from all sides. Men need a non-anxious space to pause, without pressure to compete or perform, and simply pay attention, to themselves and to one another, in the pursuit of a better way forward.
We’re organizing reliable, structured community with just the right balance of existential reflection, practical equipping, and just plain hanging out.
It’s nearly eight o’clock on a Thursday evening when a small crowd begins to form near an open side door, light spilling out onto the sidewalk. It’s cold outside but the men linger for a while, greeting one another with handshakes and hugs. A newcomer sees by the a-frame sign that he’s in the right place and ducks inside to find the welcome table. He’s introduced to the men who lead the group and discovers they have kids that go to the same school. He grabs the handout for the evening and takes a seat in a circle of folding chairs. All at once the others come inside and fill in the circle, disciplined to start on time.
This week’s facilitator, a licensed therapist, offers a brief lesson on the “false self”, opening discussion about the expectations we carry and the ways we become disconnected from our souls. Respecting the time, he cuts the discussion short, pointing men to other resources and some exercises in the handout they can use throughout the week.
The group then transitions to the practices that have become a weekly comfort to those who attend. The room quiets as twenty men ground themselves with breathing exercises and pause to pay attention to everything they’re carrying in that moment. And for the final thirty minutes they simply talk, listen, and meet one another with curiosity, empathy, and encouragement. After ninety minutes, the group adjourns.
Half the men say their goodbyes and head out the door. Others linger to follow up on things that were said earlier, some laughing, some somber. Two men ask the newcomer if he’d like to grab a beer down the street.
FAQ’S
We are funded by donations. Participants are encouraged to contribute what they can. This ensures the same resource is open to men of all socio-economic groups. It also reflects the fact that we don’t exist to exploit men for profit. We exist, in part, to help men find value outside of exploitative systems.
What does it cost?
No. It’s base level support through community, led by therapists. It’s meant to provide men with tools (psychoeducation) and connection so that they have a foundation to pursue their own health. Should men choose to explore deeper individual work in therapy we can help them find a good fit.
Is it therapy?
No. We are not affiliated with any organized religion. But we are also not opposed to faith and faith communities playing important roles in men’s lives. And because we value the exploration of meaning and narrative, we encourage honest spiritual reflection.
Is it religious?
Yes, in the sense that applying one’s values always has a political dimension. We are not a vehicle of any partisan group, but we are not neutral in our commitments to justice, equality, love, and moral integrity.
Is it political?
How do we view gender?
There are biological differences in human beings that are appropriately understood in relation to maleness and femaleness. But this is a simplified binary and in reality the characteristics of maleness and femaleness manifest differently in every body. Masculinity and femininity are constantly evolving cultural constructs distinct from biological realities. We respect each person’s process of working out their relationship with the ways biological maleness expresses in their body and the ways masculinity relates to their sense of self.
How do we view sexuality?
Everyone wants to experience reciprocated love and connection. We respect each person’s pursuit of healthy romantic relationships, whether that’s with women or other men.
The term Union evokes a sense of wholeness, the opposite of being fractured. It also relates to relational connection and mutual support. Lodge is a nod to the fraternal orders and places men have gathered for centuries.
What’s with the name?
To get Union Lodge off the ground we’ll need to raise initial funds, build a network of facilitators and the legal structure, then create curriculum. If you’d like to help in any capacity, email sean@union-therapy.com.